My mother left me at 11 for her new partner – so as an adult I cut her out. Here’s the very surprising way I built a ‘family’ for my own daughter: KATE WILLS

Last Sunday, my partner Guy and I hosted a big roast lunch at our house. Our daughter Blake, four, was in her element, surrounded by her doting family. There was her Uncle Jakob, her Auntie Jess and her beloved ‘Gee Gee’.

But none of these people are her relatives; they’re our close friends. In other words, they are the ‘family’ we have created for ourselves.

I’m currently five months pregnant with our second child. While many of my friends are able to call their parents into action as soon as they go into labour, as my due date approaches, I’ve been reflecting on the beauty – and, sometimes, the pain – of relying mainly on a family of my own creation.

Actual relatives who live nearby are thin on the ground for us.

I was estranged from my mother for six years and she met my daughter and Guy only recently. My father had dementia for many years and passed away last year, and Guy’s dad died before Blake was born. Although Blake has a wonderful grandmother in Guy’s mum, and we both have sisters, they all live at least two hours’ drive away.

So I have some sympathy with Meghan Markle (sorry, Sussex) after her recent revelation.

Kate WIllis was estranged from her mother for six years

Kate with her daughter Blake, who has a legion of ‘aunts and uncles’ and godparents in her life

Speaking on her podcast Confessions Of A Female Founder, Meghan, 43, shared that her children Lilibet, three, and Archie, six, refer to her hairstylist Kadi Lee as ‘Auntie Kadi’, adding that they ‘run out to the car saying Kadi… our kids love Auntie Kadi’.

It’s not the first time that Meghan has referred to her friends – or, in Kadi’s case, her employees – as her children’s ‘aunties’. She previously posted a picture of Lilibet with Serena Williams with the caption: ‘When the aunties come to celebrate… and to play!’

Of course, Meghan’s decision to cast her friends in the role of auntie is especially poignant because of the lack of relationship with her children’s biological aunt and uncle, Kate and Prince William. As for grandparents, King Charles has reportedly only met Lilibet once, and Archie only a handful of times.

On Meghan’s side of the family, although she’s close to her mother Doria, she’s estranged from her father Thomas and her two half-siblings, Samantha and Thomas Markle Jr.

Like Meghan, I know how complicated family dynamics can be – and how you can come to rely on any connection in the desperation to give your child a family.

I was never close to my mother growing up, and when my parents divorced when I was 11 she left to live with her new partner in a different part of the country.

My sister and I had to go and live with my dad, leaving the house we’d grown up in to move to his cramped two-bedroom flat.

The subsequent years were really hard. My dad drank heavily and although I remained in touch with Mum, our meetings were often strained and sad. I felt abandoned and angry, as she seemed totally uninterested in me. I could hardly wait to leave home for university and cut loose from this dysfunctional family dynamic.

Although we maintained a fractious relationship for many years, I decided to cut all ties with her following my own divorce aged 33 in 2019. After years of therapy, I realised I could decide who I wanted in my life, whether they were family or not. Being around my mum only ever made me feel worse.

It was a difficult, painful decision but it ultimately left me feeling happy and empowered in my choice. I have cousins, aunties and uncles on Mum’s side – but I’ve either not seen them in years, or never met them at all.

So even before I became a mother, I relied on my friends to fulfil the familial roles I felt I was lacking. In my teenage years, I would go on holiday with my best friend Jess (now Auntie Jess) and her parents, and probably ate dinner at her house more than I did my own. When I was in my 20s, I would attach myself to my boyfriends’ families, often spending Christmas and other family holidays with them.

Although I was grateful to have these relationships, they were a painful reminder of everything I was missing. They did, however, show me a blueprint for positive family dynamics. That I was able to be part of them proved that family doesn’t have to be bonded by blood.

I met my partner Guy in 2019, and although he initially found it hard to understand why I was not in touch with my mum, he respected my decision.

When I first became pregnant in 2020, I knew I wouldn’t have my mum on hand to offer advice and help us with the chaos of having a newborn. I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to cope without a maternal figure guiding me.

Although Meghan is close to her mother Doria, she’s estranged from her father Thomas and her two half-siblings, Samantha and Thomas Markle Jr (pictured with Tyler Dooley, father Thomas, half brother Thomas and Samantha) 

Meghan with her hairstylist Kadi Lee. She revealed her children refer to the friend as ‘Auntie Kadi’, adding that they ‘run out to the car saying Kadi… our kids love Auntie Kadi’

Instead, we hired a doula called Jackie, a non-medical professional in her 60s who lived nearby and would help me through the experience of having a child. While many women hire doulas to guide them through home birth, I wanted someone to step into the role of my mum, to be a helping hand along the way.

Jackie was at Blake’s birth and was in our lives for over a year afterwards.

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed motherhood, but it made me sad that my own mother presumably hadn’t felt the same way. Thoughts of her were inescapably close to the surface, with health visitors and the new mums I met at baby groups asking if she’d met Blake yet, or was around to help out.

At one ante-natal appointment, the nurse asked if Jackie was my mum. And in a way, she was. She brought us stews, helped us give Blake her first bath, took calls from us at all hours of the day (and night). Although hiring a doula was expensive – we spent around £1,500 in total – it was the best money I’ve ever spent.

I would joke to friends that I was paying for a surrogate mum because I was estranged from my own. But in fact, I think mine and Jackie’s relationship was more significant than that. Because it wasn’t based on any sense of obligation or shared history or a blood bond, it was remarkably free of any emotional baggage. I was just grateful to have the means to afford it.

Besides, while initially I was jealous when I heard about friends who had their mums at their births or who moved in to help them out in the early weeks with a newborn, many of them said it was more trouble than it was worth. Their mums were interfering or ended up being even more high-maintenance than their new baby.

Because I was paying Jackie for her services, the boundaries were brilliantly clear in a way that’s often difficult to negotiate with your biological family. That relationship came to a natural end around Blake’s first birthday, but I plan to use Jackie for this upcoming birth, too.

Jackie was just the start of our curated and carefully chosen ‘family’ for Blake. Although Guy and I are not religious, we chose two of our closest friends to be Blake’s godparents.

Guy’s best friend Jakob has no children and his family live abroad in Sweden, so he has been a part of our family for a long time. He has come on holiday with the three of us, regularly stops by unannounced, shares Christmas with us, babysits and showers Blake with an inordinate amount of presents. We started referring to him as ‘Uncle Jakob’ jokingly, given his devotion, but Blake picked up on it and the moniker has stuck. He’s one of her favourite people in the world.

Blake’s other godparent, Jess, has been my best friend for 30 years since those school days when I’d join her family for dinner. Although she has a family of her own, and lives a bit further away than Jakob, she is always on the other end of the phone if we have worries or want advice (it helps that she’s a GP).

And then there’s Georgia, or ‘Gee-Gee’, who started as our nanny when Blake was just six months’ old, working three days a week. Now Blake is at pre-school, Georgia just does ad-hoc babysitting but she is still a big part of our lives. She often comes for dinner or pops in for coffee, and – because she’s only 27 – we’re so close that I think of her as my unofficial little sister. I do have one ‘real’ older sister but, though we’re close, she has her own family and doesn’t live close by.

I treasure the fact that Blake has so many people who care about her, and who have all been in her life for as long as she can remember. The fact that they aren’t officially related to us or don’t share our last name doesn’t feel important.

Of course, it would be naive to say that having close friends in your life is exactly the same as your family. For many people, the unconditional love and trust and loyalty you share with your close relatives can’t be beaten.

Our relationship with our ‘relatives’ might seem somewhat transient in comparison – but a chosen family is all the better for being a bit of a moveable feast. You’re together because you want to be – not out of familial duty, often the cause of so much tacit resentment.

I know that – especially in the case of Georgia and Jackie – when you are paying someone to look after your child, there’s a different dynamic at play. You wonder if they’re just watching the clock, or really care about your child in the same way a family member would.

There have been times when I’ve watched silver-haired grandparents delight in children in the park and felt a stab of longing. I sometimes catch myself feeling envious that friends can jet off for weekends away and leave their kids with their parents. That feels like a lot to ask of our friends who have jobs and busy lives and families of their own. We never want to impose too much on our chosen family, preferring to wait for them to offer to babysit or offer Blake gifts than to expect or ask for anything.

Nonetheless, they have always amazed us with their willingness to go above and beyond.

Recently, for example, our friends and neighbours – Jo and James – offered to be the people we call when I go into labour so that they can take Blake for us. The fact that they were willing to step up for this responsibility without even being asked was so touching.

And after all, while many people are lucky to experience the security of feeling that their family will stick with them no matter what, as I’ve learnt it’s not a given.

My mum finally met Blake in January this year after I reconnected with her at my father’s funeral.

As the years have gone by, I have realised how hard things must have been for my mum at times. There’s no such thing as the perfect parent.

It was surreal to introduce her to my little girl, who kept calling her ‘Kate’s mum’, mimicking her dad. I had to explain that, no, this was Grandma.

We’ve met up with her twice since, and while it feels good to have her in my life in some way again, I’m being very cautious.

When I was estranged from my mother, I was always being told that I’d have regrets and that ‘blood is thicker than water’. And yet family is really just the people thrust upon you by the genetic or marital lottery.

In an ideal world, I’d love to have a great relationship with my mother, for my or Guy’s father to still be around, for our sisters to live next door. But for people like me – and Meghan – who don’t have those close ties with relatives, cultivating your own family from your friends is the next best thing to fill the gaps.

As the saying goes, your friends are the family you choose. And I couldn’t be prouder of the ones we’ve chosen.